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Domestic Violence by Proxy - The Key to Healing Parental Alienation & Helping Your Compromised Child

posted 14 Sept 2010, 08:53 by Mpelembe   [ updated 14 Sept 2010, 11:47 by Sam Mbale ]

"My ex has lured our son into wanting to live with him and
now my son treats me just like my ex did. He has turned our
boy against me." If you have left an abuser, you may know
this one.

Sad to say, almost weekly someone writes to me asking for
insight on how to deal with this dilemma. How do you deal
with being an estranged parent? What can you do for your
brainwashed child?

Parental Alienation Advice

See your child as whole and do your best to feel your
wholeness in his (or her) presence.

Even though you may know your boy is being compromised by
the polarization that he lives, trust in his innate capacity
to individuate from his father's control. Know that he can
find himself and, from here, he may find you.

You do not hold the clock on this one. It will happen when
it happens and most likely it will not be as a result of
anything that you do. It will come about as a result of your
child's evolution.

(I can hear you thinking that he is evolving into an abuser
monster like his father.), this may be true, but
this road does not stop in his father's home. Your boy's
life will extend beyond that of his father's influence.

The Whole Autonomous Child

As Kahlil Gibran said about children in The Prophet, "You
may give them your love, but not your thoughts,...for they
have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not
their souls,...for their souls dwell in the house of
tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams."

They may come through you and your ex, but they did not come
from either of you. And though they are with you or your ex,
they do not belong to either of you. Know this to be true!

See your child as his own person. And in his absence, feel
him as whole and feel your own wholeness in relation to him.

The Healing Healthy Child

Trust in your child's capacity to mend the injuries they
have acquired along their path. Their healing, their growth,
their development is theirs, not yours. While it is true, as
their parent, you feel compelled to influence their steps
along the way to insure their well-being; you do not and
cannot own that process...for it is truly theirs.

If you hear indifference in this message, then your
listening has gone astray. This is not about caring through
control. This is about faith in that which resides within
your child's essence. And this faith can be yours whether or
not you are in litigation. As you see him whole and feel your
wholeness in his presence, both of you heal from parental
alienation and estrangement.

About the Author:

For more information on healing parental alienation/domestic
violence by proxy, see
, and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success
eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. is a seasoned psychologist
and consulting expert on domestic abuse intervention and
prevention. Copyright 2010, Jeanne King, Ph.D.