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Abusive Relationship Help - Changing the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships & Habits of Victimization

posted 2 Sept 2010, 06:26 by Mpelembe

"When I tell you 'no' and you whine, get angry...etc, then my
job is to simply allow you the space to experience that which
you feel."

If you live in an abusive relationship or have left one,
this probably doesn't sound familiar. But you know in your
heart that if it were this way, your relationships would be
more satisfying.

Who Owns Whose Upset

In abusive relationships here's what more typically happens.
The controlling partner expresses a desire for something, and
the less empowered partner replies affirmatively or avoids
offering up a response knowing it will not fulfill the other
person's desires.

They know from the core of their being that there will be
consequences if they do not "make their partner happy." And
this ridiculous thinking trips them up in subsequent
intimate relationships until they change the pattern.

Domestic abuse survivors are conditioned to believe that
they are responsible for the other person's happiness. They
believe that if they say "no," it will be followed with
disappointment that leads to conflict and danger toward

The net result for them with this thinking and victimization
habit is that they shoulder the responsibility for their
partner's well-being. That's a tall order for anyone in any

Each Owns Their Own Upset

Let's imagine that one person makes a request of you, and
you know your answer is not what they are seeking. But you
are forthcoming with it, hoping they will respect your
wishes. Instead, they don't. To the contrary, they let you
know that they are miserable. And your reflex then is to
make it better for them by yielding to their wishes.

In doing this, what have you done? You have taken
responsibility for their experience...the creation of their
upset and the remedy toward their well-being.

If, on the other hand, you step back and allow them their
upset, without rushing in to regulate it, something else
could happen. They may find within themselves a way to deal
with what comes up for them. And you may hold your own and
do what's right for you.

Boundaries and Responsibilities in Intimate Relationships

I do not mean to suggest that you should not compromise with
your partner. To the contrary, compromise is good when the
"give and take" comes from a sincere place. What I do mean
is that you will not be genuinely happy if you compromise

Fully grasping boundaries and responsibilities in intimate
relationships is central to healing from domestic abuse and
treatment for domestic abuse. It is truly in the subtle that
we manifest the most significant, whether we say "yes" or "no
" to our partner.

About the Author:

For more information about abusive relationship help, visit and claim Free
Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne
King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal
from emotional psychological abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne
King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention